my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize