So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
