I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
