turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
