Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
time to smoke my breakfast
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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