Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
