god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
