the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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