Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
