you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
