omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
