Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
