Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
