Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was born a porn star she said
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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