There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
