Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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