So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Four minutes until I can fart!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I party with great urgency now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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