I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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