Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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