I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
