when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
