i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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