I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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