Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
