Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize