You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
