Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
BRING THE BAGELS
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
