Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
