making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
