Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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