Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
