in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
