the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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