Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
