You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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