Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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