Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Im just a social blackout drinker.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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