im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
