can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
