You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
