i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
