Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
