i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
