oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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