hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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