One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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