Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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