i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
