if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
