Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
