I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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