you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
