I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
